Hello everybody
Hi there. My name is Brian I am 30 years old. I am currently living in Houston Texas,but I spent most of my teen/adult years in Northeastern PA.
I am not really sure where to start. This type of thing is not in my character.I have always kept things bottled inside and dealt with them if I even did when I was ready. I post on another message board that is mainly political,and someone on there told me about this site so I decided to check it out. I am not sure what to expect here nor do I know what I am looking to gain here. I have decided to keep an open mind and just allow whatever is going to happen to happen.
I guess I will start when I was 17. I graduated from High school and got married right away to my girlfriend from the tenth grade on. Ofcourse we were way too young to know ourselves let alone each other and it only lasted six months. It was a nice divorce if there is such a thing. We never really kept in touch after the first year or so,but if we ran into each other i imagine it would be friendly. Looking back i have no regrets about it. I learned alot about myself during that time,and i really believe that we were much better off following our lives path without each other. I went to school a few cities away,but still lived at home,and i got a degree in 1999 in Economics.
After that I did something very out of character and I moved to Houston Texas. my parents moved there when I was 16 and I stayed home with family to finish high school,and then college. I always had comfort in living in a small community and here I was thrust into a huge city. I dont know if any of you can relate to this next sentence,,,,, but a 22 year old boy grown and raised in northeastern PA with a city of population 50k to be tossed in the south, Houston of all places was a extremely huge culture shock.
I met someone about a year into my southern living experience. She was much younger than me. I was 23 and she was 17 just about to be 18. She was enrolled in college close to where I lived and we met through some mutual friends. To make a long story short she became the love of my life. While she finished school,I was working for the Harris county Sheriffs department,doing mostly armed prisoner transport and court/ off site Doctor appointment. She finished school and got a nice job making 68k right out of the gate. By this time I was moving up the ranks pretty quickly at the department and was making 60k without overtime. We leased a nice loft in the middle of downtown,and were making a combined yearly salary of 130k. We were living a good good life. Young professionals in the heart of a big city. I was very happy and very much in love. I even went back to school part time to get my masters degree. Nothing could be better in life I thought exactly one year ago at Christmas.
I was involved though the department with a community outreach program where we would take inner city kids and take them camping and hunting in the country and similar outdoor type activities. There was an accident and I was blasted at about 15 years square in the knee with a 30/30 rife... It was at that moment my life changed forever.
The rest is kinda a blur. I was and still am out of work. I grew very bitter about life. I got extremely depressed and eventually started drinking. I got a replacement kneecap and did not stick to my physical therapy and the first 3 months I was in and out of the hospital for weeks at a time. I had all the support of my family and I pushed them all away. The love of my life and soul mate did everything she could to help me out of my slump. She went through alot and eventually she left..... I started drinking alot more. I rarely left the house... I failed out of school..... I am now honestly and completely all alone in the world. Then I started abusing my pain killers. I was given scripts like candy and take them like candy I would. Then I dont know... One day about three weeks ago I just couldnt stand to look at myself in the mirror. I realized that there was this huge fog around me,and that was my actual life.
today is my 14th day without taking a pain killer med. I haver three scripts for them,and i havent touched them. I have been enduring alot of pain physically over it,but nothing compares to the emotional pain I have. The loss of my girlfriend was the worst. I was never so happy in my life as I was with her. she was willing to stay with me through everything and then all of a sudden i pushed her away. I tried to get back in contact with her,but it was no use. It is a lost cause she is gone from my life forever. It is a burden I will shoulder for the rest of my life.
I was on top of the world as year ago and now it takes alot for me to get out of bed in the morning. It is sad to admit but my only contact with the outside world would be bitching with other people on a political message board.
